THE FINALE OF “A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA”

As we open on the final two contestants, Bobby and Dani, it becomes clear that Ms. Tila Tequila has a type. And that type involves a Y chromosome. The two finalists chat over their frosty smoothies and yogurt. Then Bobby says:
“Maybe you should get a running start and stand over here and I should stand over here, and we should run as fast as we can into each other and see if we can become one.”

Apparently the producers don’t realize that we are in on the secret, and continue to try to convince us that Dani and Bobby aren’t really the same person.

Bobby follows this up with: “That was, like, the second gayest thing I’ve ever said.”

The first gayest thing being, obviously, “I’m gay.”

Dani interviews that Tila sees the same thing in both of them, acknowledging that they are, in fact, the same human being, just with different genitalia. But she retains hope that Tila prefers the vajayjay.

Dani and Bobby get a message from Tila curiously indicating that Tila believes she is a “rock star” and a “cover model.” Cover of what? MySpace the magazine?

Tila interviews that she finally has a chance to show Bobby and Dani “a day in the life of Tila Tequila.” I can’t stand it. I’m way too excited. What does a day in the life of Tila Tequila actually involve? Fasten your seatbelts and get out the saran wrap.

Tila, Dani and Bobby enter Tila’s studio, where she will show off the first of her many talents. She also introduces us to her brilliant musical producer, whose credentials include producing for Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson. ‘Nough said.

So Tila begins convincingly lip-syncing to her “biggest song.” It was apparently the number one music video. In Tila’s head.

Now the bad editing begins to show. In the studio, Dani had bangs and no make-up. Now, she is interviewing with makeup and her hair slicked back. I’ll give them credit – they made her put her stupid-ass bird shirt back on for the interview. Or did Bobby’s shirt have the stupid bird? It is so easy to get them confused. Dani admires Tila’s musical talents. She would totally “buy, burn, own,” and smoke her music. We agree with her desire to burn it.

So after performing her “biggest song,” Tila invites them to join her. Dani says that she will fuck Tila up. Is this supposed to turn Tila on? Bobby, on the other hand, almost begins weeping. His poor little brain is overwhelmed with the task of writing something as poetic and beautiful as Tila’s “biggest song.” He interviews (with a completely different shirt) about how freaked out he is. Dani interviews that she is all over this challenge,.

Bobby starts singing nonsense in an incredibly annoying whisper. And then he raps. No, really. Raps. He peaks with a demand that Tila grab his “pimp glove.” Tila is his back-up singer, doing her best “go Bobby” porn voice.

Bobby sums up his performance by noting that “on a scale of one to ten, it wasn’t a zero.” Of course, since there is no zero on the scale of one to ten, he’s totally right.

And now its Dani’s turn. She starts by telling Tila that she is going to tell her how it is in her world. That’s when all hell breaks loose. She starts screaming. SCREAMING. About sluts and love and booze. It’s quite romantic. Here’s a quote:

I thought I’d get drunk and maybe hook up.
Who woulda thought dat I’d fall in love?
I came into your house for a pool par-tay.
And then you pulled a big ‘ol trick on may.
You told me that you weren’t just frickin’ gay.
You told me that you swang both ways.

Dani interviews that she kicked Bobby’s ass in the studio. Apparently it wasn’t a grammar contest.

Now they are off to see Tila’s modeling talents. Each of the contestants participates in a photo shoot with her. And we discover the source of the make-up and slicked-back hair. We’re pretty sure the shoot was for Maxim, or perhaps Stuff. Loins cloths are involved. As well as Tila’s butt cheek.

Bobby interviews about how his eyes have been opened to the immense challenges and back-breaking labor involved in being Tila Tequila. We don’t have the heart to tell him her back is breaking because of the boobs.

After the photo shoot is over, Tila tells Dani and Bobby that she must go prepare a “big dinner.” Like she’s going to cook.

Dani and Bobby walk into the dining room, which is set for a bunch of people. The doorbell rings. Poor Bobby interviews that he cannot handle any more surprises. This episode is very hard on Bobby.

The door opens, and it’s Bobby’s and Dani’s relatives. Dani and Bobby are very happy to see their family. Continuing the family tradition, Bobby’s mother walks through the door and is already fighting back tears. Poor Bobby’s mother. This episode is very hard on her too.

Tila takes them on a tour of her slut quarters house. They check out the big communal bed, and Bobby’s mom interviews that “her Bobby” has “always been a snuggler,” and reveals that he slept with her until the age of six. She has a disturbing gleam in her eye.

They sit down at the dinner table. Dani’s mom politely interviews that the vibrator chandelier is not exactly her taste. Tila says that they will be eating Vietnamese food. Tila tells them that she no longer sees gender, she just sees Bobby and Dani. Apparently, even Tila acknowledges that Dani and Bobby are the same person. They are not a boy and a girl. They are Pat.

The mothers apparently do see a difference and start lobbying. Tila interviews that a “battle of the moms” is brewing. Bobby’s mom is apparently so impressed with the vibrator chandelier that she breaks reality show mom etiquette by saying her contestant is way hotter. Dani’s mom interviews that Bobby’s mom was “a little dominant,” which is code for “that bitch called my daughter ugly.” Tila says she’s “mad” about Bobby, and “crazy” about Dani. The moms start a grammar catfight about whether “mad” or “crazy” is better.

Tila says now they will have dessert, and then takes them to the “SIN” room. Bobby’s mom starts pole dancing. Bobby interviews that he “will never ever go to bed the same way” after seeing his mom work the pole. Because that is more traumatizing than the copious mom-Bobby cuddling of his golden youth? The younger brother looks horrified. Bobby’s mom is clearly hammered.

Tila takes the pole to show them how it’s done. Her boobs come popping out as she does the inverted pole-hang. Bobby’s brother says that now he can go back to school and brag about seeing his future sister-in-law’s tits. Tila then rubs her boobs in his face. Bobby’s dad notes that Tila is a “natural” on the pole, just what every man looks for in his daughter-in-law. They all do a shot. Cut to a few minutes later, where everyone seems to have caught up to Bobby’s mom and are working work the pole together. Tila interviews that she loves these families and they fill this void that she missed out on her whole life. What void would that be? The let’s-all-pole-dance together void? If I had a nickel for every Christmas we did that…

Dani interviews, somewhat incomprehensibly, “I love my family. They’re great. Total points for me tonight.” Bobby is distressing sincere in his interview and says something boring.

Commercial break. We eat the best ice cream in the world while we anxiously wait for the show to start again. Seriously. It’s cake batter and brownie. It rocks.

Bobby interviews that it’s their last day, and he didn’t sleep at all. Probably because his mom wasn’t there to cuddle him. I wonder who spoons who.

Dani interviews about how anxious she is. Bobby wakes Dani up to tell her he’s been lonely. She tells him to fuck off.

Bobby and Dani hang out in the kitchen. Dani is ready for this to be over. She says that she has never been this anxious about any “giiirrrlll” in her life. Gophers, on the other hand? Gophers she’s been anxious about. They scare the living shit out of her. Bobby is sad because Dani is being mean to him. Dani laughs at him. So do we.

Tila interviews about how hard a decision it is. She is wearing a lovely lacey purple bra, and her usual bobble-head.

Bobby and Dani get their last message in a bottle, which as usual is handwritten. Apparently they can’t afford a printer on “A Shot at Love.” I want to meet the poor sap of a production assistant that has to write these things. If the penmanship is any indication, he is approximately 8 years old. The note says that tonight is the night.

Bobby and Dani get relaxing pedicures. Dani interviews. She is in her final outfit. A retrospective video shows Dani’s finest moments, including her makeout sessions with Tila. As a montage of their kisses plays, the Indigo Girls swell in the background. On behalf of lesbians everywhere (who we love), we are offended. Their highlights continue, including Tila pole dancing for Dani’s work colleagues and lap-dancing Dani’s grandmother. She must be so proud. How could you not love her?

Then it’s Bobby’s turn. We’re guessing he will cry. Bobby’s montage involves a girl’s butt cheeks pressed against a glass wall. They are apparently not Tila’s. Bobby gets mocked a second time for his complete lack of chopstick knowledge. Didn’t we already cover this? Oh wait, that’s right, we didn’t think the chopsticks at the earlier “big dinner” were important. Had we known, we would have mentioned it. We should know that every nuance is important with this show.

Next we see Bobby riding a dolphin and eating a bull’s penis. Where was the bull penis in Dani’s montage? Indigo Girls v. bull penis? This game is totally rigged. Bobby then declares his undying love for Tila, and the kissing begins. No Indigo Girls. They cuddle.

Commercial break. We gnaw on the empty ice cream container to pass the time.

The last dates begin. Tila interviews that she hasn’t made up her mind yet. Really? We were thinking she was going to tell us right now. Dumb bitch.

First up is Tila and Dani’s date. Tila wears a kicky babydoll dress. Dani is, surprisingly, dressed like a man. They toast. Dani summarizes their many beautiful memories: Tila giving a lapdance to Grammy, dinner around the dildo chandelier, and Tila’s tits popping out. Our hearts warm. Dani gives her pitch: “I think it would work, man.” We swoon. Dani gives Tila a “little keychain thing” and her phone number. We don’t even know what to say about that. Tila astutely observes that Dani “really wants this to work.”

After dinner, Tila wants to cuddle and snuggle. Dani is dumbfounded that Tila hasn’t already chosen her. She asks, “don’t you see what I’m seeing?” Clearly none of us see what she is seeing.

They each say “I love you.” Dani, however, doesn’t seem to know Tila’s name and keeps referring to her as “this girl.”

Now it is the last date with Bobby. Tila wants to see “more heart.” This is frankly quite frightening. Bobby is already on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What would happen if he showed more heart? They meet at the grotto. Tila approaches wearing a lovely, relatively modest black dress. It is obviously quite itchy and binding, because two seconds later, she strips down to Paris Hilton’s cast-off gold lame porn-kini. Bobby doesn’t object. Tila interviews that she is overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say – so many things are flying around in her big, bobble-head skull.

Bobby makes a toast. His voice is so monotone that we momentarily fell asleep. He gives Tila a “songbook” for her to write all of her songs in. It’s like a journal, ‘cept for songs. Get it? And she can draw in it, too. Where did he find this amazing book??? It has SO MANY uses.

But then we find out that he sullied the book with some stupid-ass, “heartfelt,” pitiful even-if-you-don’t-pick-me-I-still-love-you drivel. Now I hate the book.

Now to quote to Tila: “I really like the, like, you know, writing. And he gave me, like, this, like, really amazing book. That you can, like, write in, you know?” She is flabbergasted. OK. So that wasn’t exactly a quote. But it’s damn close.

After Tila recovers from her magic book high, she and Bobby head to the hot tub. To quote Bobby (as they straddle one another): “One thing I keep thinking about is, like, how it’s going to affect me, you know, like, if I don’t get picked, and how even if I do get picked, it’s just like this smile that’s just there, you know?”

No. We don’t know. We don’t have a stinking clue. And that actually was a quote.

They retire to the oh-so-comfy rock lounge, where Bobby discusses Dani. He opines that Dani is the “best of both worlds” and isn’t “butchy.” Query – if Dani isn’t butchy, is anyone? What do you need to do?

They make out to some slamming rock music. Again, no Indigo Girls here. Bobby interviews that it was the sexiest kissing ever. The phallus pulls ahead.

Commercial break.

Tila’s final outfit – a puffy, black taffeta number – provides the necessary counterweight to her huge noggin. Her hair is even puffier then normal, making her head enormous. She’s going to cry herself to sleep tonight on her huge pillow.

Dani and Bobby are nervous. They walk out to the platform in the middle of the pool. Time for another montage. Bobby is first. Did you ever notice that he walks like you would imagine a platypus walks? Bobby makes grandiose statements about the importance of this show. He says he is not confident at all. He makes us so sad.

Dani is next. We hear she is starting her own fashion line. This is truly frightening given the boot leg yoga pants with the white shoes and kicky silver tie. Randy Quaid called. He wants his shoes back. Dani’s montage is much shorter than Bobby’s.

Tila steals Bobby’s line and tells Dani that she is the best of both worlds during her final speech. Tila says that Bobby has been the source of much laughter. We’re not sure this is a compliment. She then tells him that he looks like a man, but is really just a big pussy. Making him the best of both worlds, too. Tila says this is the “toughest decision of her life.”

After a pregnant pause (we got goose bumps), Tila says she wants to take a shot at love with… Bobby. Bobby remains expressionless. She has to repeat herself. We see Bobby’s light bulb finally go on. They hug (after Bobby pries his hands out of his pockets). More make-out montages. Dani walks off. Tila stops shoving her tongue down Bobby’s throat and prances after Dani.

What is going to happen? The montages included memories of both Dani and Bobby. Is Tila going to change her mind? What is happening?

Commercial break. We need more ice cream to soothe our nerves.

The prancing continues. Tila starts blubbering as she hugs Dani. It is momentarily believable until she starts speaking, when it becomes clear that she is full of shit.

Apparently Dani and Bobby aren’t the same person.

Dani interviews that she is upset and hurt. She thought she had a connection with Tila. She really loved “the girl.” She still doesn’t know Tila’s name.

Tila runs back to Bobby and says she’s so excited about starting their life together. Bobby admits that he didn’t think she would pick him. The rockin’ guitar music swells as they hug. Clearly the phallus has won. Otherwise there would be Indigo Girls.

Tila says she could be Bobby’s “wifey.” She feels as though she just got married. She sums it up perfectly: “In the end, I chose a man.” No shit.

The End.